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13.19: New lj
Hello everybody...I'm still alive =)

As is fashionable these days, I've gotten a new livejournal because one just wasn't enough =P Actually, I was sick of how I was using livejournal -- my new account reflects my intent not to get on lj every day and read a million people's posts while smoking joints and eating cookies. I will, however, not make you all feel cut off just because I'm trying not to be an internet junkie anymore. That being said, I've been sitting for an hour and a half, and so I'm going to go now. Check out my new home on the internet:

blaueseele

2.15: F*ck this
Evil: pleasure, food, money, sex.

Good: happiness, nourishment, work, love.

Now stop wasting your time reading my livejournal.

17.31: What's in your pants (aside from extremities)?
I figure this meme will buoy the feelings of those who have no bag to pick through at the moment, but are wearing pants:

-keys to: sister's apartment (mine for under two weeks now), mailbox, laundry room (or something), parents' house, bicycle lock
-sister's cell-phone
-wallet
-my little book (well it's on the table but it'll be back in the pants momentarily)
-chapstick

17.30: Let's bask in nationalism
( Canadiana Meme )

0.04: Why do I keep going online?

16.38: Angst Moritorium
I typed the phrase "I want to see some crazy shit" into google and clicked I'm Feeling Lucky. The result:

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

12.03: I have to do something. I don't know what it is. It may be un-thinkable. There are ruts I'm in now and I have to get out of them.

Last night I had a terrifying spiritual experience. I was in an ascetic mood for a while, and doing alright, then my mind changed and I gorged myself on oreos and eggs and toast. Just as I was eating the eggs and toast, an argument erupted outside between two motorists who had been involved in a less-than-a-fender-bender -- the weighty man with a bald head driving the corvette yelled at the man in the big Nissan. I ate my food.

Later, after many shitty cigarettes, my heart ached as if the Devil were driving a red hot poker through it. Finally, the weather broke and I felt better. But still this morning I had four puffs off of another of my shitty smokes. And now I don't know what to do.

11.03: The darkness
Everything I do is wrong. I sit here nursing my narcissistic ego typing out bullshit to hypnotise you, to waste your time, to seek your charity in some words of wisdom that you will offer out of your own narcissistic do-gooder sense. How is it that it's wrong to be an evil-doer, and also wrong to be a do-gooder? I want to have no intention. I don't want to do the thing I know is wrong but feels good, I don't want to do the thing that feels painful but makes you pat yourself on the back. At this rate I will forever be doomed to go in circles...I'll run around all day making life hard on myself, then I'll come home and eat and smoke and fall asleep, have terrifying dreams, and begin it all again.

I have not known love for so long. It is so scarce in my life now. I can't remember what it felt like to actually care for someone who is not me. Have I ever really loved anyone? I feel like all I've ever done is accept their love and gone off to be by myself.

18.46: Quit my job. Went to the party. Realised my degenerate condition. Did next to nothing about it. Feel like a ghost who never listens to the good or the bad but just tumbles down the hill. Don't want to be a selfish person but can't, won't change. What will it take?

16.58: Quit job, go to Eclipse...

Stay with job, stay here...

Arrg

11.59: I sure am boring these days. I stay inside my little bubble hoping someone or something will burst it. After a few days off, I'm working again in the Greek dungeon. In the basement there is a room where they cut up vegetables, and whether its rotting food or something in the walls, there is a smell there which I have never encountered before, but it has to be the most vile and insidious smell I have ever known. After last weekend, it permeated my pants. We'll have to see what happens today...see how much more masochism is in me.

14.09: Dark Experiences
Last night I went to Just for Laughs. Maybe it was the homemade falafel which forced me out of the apartment due to the smoke it created, maybe it was energy vampires, but I definitely felt sapped the longer I stayed. I drank half a bottle of Coke and came home to write my darkest, sexiest poetry ever. I'm not going to post it though, because it will cause a number of people to go to Hell, and force gvisreality to do laundry.

As evidenced by my repeated presence here, I am still battling narcissism and an inflated ego. Unfortunately, I have not yet found a drug that will make me more stupid without making me more neurotic, so the Catch-22 remains in effect.

12.32: Upside Down in Another Town
Well, I did it -- I turned my life completely upside down. Thanks to all who egged me on.

I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

I rode to Montreal on my bike. It took me ten days. It was a wonderful vacation from everything. I blew a thousand dollars doing it -- the last of my courier money. Highlights:

-Being wracked with guilt about burnt bridges/friends to whom I didn't properly say goodbye/my parents/my school/etc. and almost turning back in Oshawa, only to share a joint at the train station with somebody else going to Montreal, then going in circles all day looking like a moron until the sun went down and I stayed there.
-Stopping when everything was good to smoke a cigarette at a ruined house and then rolling my foot on a rock making it impossible for me to hobble 100 metres but still capable of biking 20km
-Cobourg waterfront festival
-Stopping smoking weed long enough to have crazy (including lucid) dreams -- I will be updating my dreamjournal
-Smoking enough rollies to make all my fingers yellow and my tongue sore
-Partying in Kingston with friends of friends and staying up all night drunk, smoking weed, cigarettes, and reading the Vice Guide to Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll
-Smoking weed in my tent at a family campsite and meeting a young boy who reminded me of myself and sharing monumental existential angst over the death of a tree
-Making camp in a ditch by the highway surrounded by poison ivy, mosquitos, and after it rained all night, water, and then abandoning said camp to go to the nearby gas station for a coffee and an impromptu conversation with the gas girl about the freemasons, shrooms, coked-out Cornwall, etc.
-Smoking a fat wonderful joint with a couple of guys at another campsite and then becoming incredibly paranoid that they would come back with a pick-up truck full of coked out guys with baseball bats ready to make a soft city boy wish he'd never blown off all his responsibilities to foolishly attempt to conquer a new city

So now I'm here. So far, I've made...well, no real friends...met some drinking buddies and some nice co-workers -- I've traded university for bike couriering for bussing at a smoked meat place -- and when my legs and brain are tired at the end of my shift I tend to go home, eat beans and cous-cous (which is better than rice because it takes the same amount of time to cook as beans), and turn on the brain-TV, which is to say pass out and have strange dreams...

So the big question is what do I have to do to myself to become social...maybe I should take a page from the book of Tom's friend Ryan and offer to break 40s over my head for 25 cents...

12.42: Houston, we have a problem...
I'm so insecure. So insecure. I'm afraid to let anyone see me except a few close friends. Weed is sending me in spirals of mania and depression. Tobacco is contributing to a constant state of anxiety. I'm getting less healthy. I miss the time when I had my job and everything seemed to make sense. At least my neck is getting better now that I've stopped.

I was supposed to be leaving town about now. I'm still procrastinating. I'm pretty sure this place is smothering me, but I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to overcome my many neuroses. I've been spending a lot of time piecing it all together -- my parents' relationship, seven years of private school, growing up in a rich neighbourhood where there's never anyone on the street but landscaping and home improvement wakes you up...what a horrible confidence-crushing cocktail. I just wish I knew more people who understood how I felt; I just don't feel like there's anybody I can talk to about all this. All of my friends for one reason or another tend to hurt as well as help: if I go to Katie, I'll feel like I'm regressing into a mother-son relationship, if I go to Tom, I'll end up smoking a bunch of poppers and feeling like a schizophrenic...

I wish I hadn't led such a sheltered life. I feel soft -- insecure, non-viable, helpless.

I failed my philosophy course because I was too stoned and hadn't done the readings. I worked it up into a distaste for the course which justified my lack of motivation. Now the school situation is fucked -- the marks were already going from bad to worse, but now I have an F. But somehow this is what I wanted...

18.26: Phew!!!

I had a nice day...you know, the kind that doesn't leave you feeling like everybody thinks you're joke.

I'm glad I had ten hours off weed...yesterday I felt like an idiot: I went to bed around 4 am because I stayed up smoking weed...this was after turning in early because I was too baked to carry on a conversation.

People were nice to me today, and I tried to be nice too...there was no stress...a couple assholes hassled me on the road, but I let it all roll off. Why think bad thoughts? It's such a beautiful day..oo look at her =P~ not too long hehe

Juice. Joint. Gulpgulppuffpuffpuffpuffgulpgulp. Ahhhhhhhhh.

9.54: Ugh...my nose is stuffed up and my neck is swollen. What the heck is wrong with me?

18.03: Today was my first day on the road in a week and a half. I stopped riding to cope with the physical and psychological damage my crash did to me. As my helmet's strap chafed against my neck, irritating it and causing it to swell more, as the sun grease melted down my skin, as I smoked the beginning of a fourth cigarette that I didn't enjoy, as I got into another elevator full of people I feared would resent my incoherent chatter, as another pretty white receptionist in the clouds told me to go down to a different floor to deliver my package to a mail room run by cheery immigrants, as I inhaled more full-bodied smoke produced by a luxury automobile, I told myself "I'm not doing this job anymore." I'm glad I'm through in a couple of week...I've got to tell them on Tuesday I think...officially. I need to write reference letters this weekend...then start worrying about translating my beefy resume into French.

I'm realising that I'm totally unprepared to handle life in a new city. I haven't spent a moment in the last month speculating on the benefits this new life might offer...I've been feeling homesick already. But the more I think about it, the more I'm certain I need to get the fuck out of here! Toronto, the city that grew me, the place that in a lot of ways I AM. And in ways that I'm not entirely proud of!

I've been mean to people in the past, but I've been trying to move past that. Sometimes, you have to be mean...be cruel to be kind, as they say. It's tough because I really really hate saying no to anyone. I usually try to deal with the darker things in my life on my own, so as not to bring anyone else into my shit. Unfortunately, all kinds of bad scenarios necessitate the presence of others, so ultimately when I have a bad thought or feeling, eventually somebody feels it.

Usually I'm pretty chill, but the problem of taking my chilled-out dissociated psychedelic consciousness and release the clutch, and get it to spin rubber on reality. My habits, drug and otherwise, sometimes cause me to drive into traffic jams where I can't make any mileage. Some of the things I try to do I actually hate doing, and since I don't want to do them and don't get into them, my performance is spotty at best. I hate doing anything I can't put my heart into, and I haven't had space in my heart for school since grade 12...well, just for little bits of school at best. I really need to not smoke until after 4:20. Religiously. I don't have days like normal people, and that puts me at a distance from them. That being said, I am now convinced that the feeling I had as a child -- "nobody understands me!" -- is a permanent character trait. So I might as well just chuckle, or make a silly grin, and be all tripped-out, because unless the other person is of the same type as me, there's no point pretending that I don't have a brain full of peculiar thoughts.

I need more energy.

I need more health.

I need to be athletically-engaged from dawn to dusk, and then I need lots of good food and then to vapourise or eat weed.

1.37: I think this weird swelling might be related to a cold...fuck...I think I'm getting sick again...must be all the smoking =(

My life is exploding

22.18: teefed from liquidgrey and isthmus_nekoi
There is this feeling which I cannot shake that there is something good that every living creature deserves and even though I have many wonderful things, I don't have this. I know what it feels like. Where is it?

This Walmart world of consumer fetishism built on modern slavery would have me shut up, smoke a cigarette, take some anti-depressants and keep on going to work. Why am I still playing along?

      

      I have a (not terribly novel) idea. Anyone who's feeling this 
      image, post it to your lj/blog and credit the person/blog you 
      found it from... And feel free to hotlink. The url for the image is:
       http://individual.utoronto.ca/deusexmachina/toronto/heynike.jpg

22.33: Fuck I need to fix myself...I need to be perfect right this minute
( metaprogramming )

17.46: Fuck, it's impossible for me to have a peaceful ride on the road, even on Sunday. I got beeped at by a couple of people, and two of them beefed with me verbally. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, but I'm definitely getting better at yelling shit at people quickly, and responding quickly in an appropriate tone. One guy yelled at me out the window of his big truck for taking up a whole lane on Eglinton (where the lanes are single-size and the traffic is dangerously fast). He got to hear the real man cursing. This guy in a Mercedes beeped at me, then when we were at the light together he got out of his car briefly to inform me that he was a cyclist too and that by law I had to ride at the side...and so I responded that actually he was mistaken and that he should read page thirty of his driver's manual.

Only a slow-moving-vehicle sign can save me now.

0.12: Well, Friday the 13th.

No black cat, but I opened an umbrella inside. The bar. Where I went with friends to find that, oh yeah, the co-op board is partying here too...and I'm all out of Marlies.

23.55: How come when you're a child you spend your time playing as if you were an adult, and then when you actually do that stuff for real, it makes you want to kill yourself? And why is it that as a child girls give you cooties and are at best a relatively boring distraction from where the fun really is, and now all I want is not to fall asleep by myself?

18.38: FUCK FUCK FUCK what a FUCKING day.

I honestly don't know what it was about it, but half the time I couldn't decide if I should cry or kill somebody. Maybe it was being short on sleep. Maybe it was being made to wait almost an hour due to corporate retardation. Maybe it was all the self-important assholes hassling me on the road. Maybe it was my co-op bossman sending stormtroopers through my house to clean it up, leaving my new wheels and tools outside to be stolen (yeah, you bet he's getting an earful from me now). FUCK!

19.36: Notes to self:
-I can't wait until the next psy-trance party.
-Am I gonna take a philosophy course for the next five weeks?
-and next time an asshole behind you is pissed off, have a getaway path ready before you spit on his big truck. Twice.